I woke up this morning feeling incredibly irritable.
I've been sad again. sad like i have not been in a good while.
I can't remember my last period. It's always been irregular - it could just be hella late for no reason. but I'm so scared.
another boy who thinks he is the most caring person in the world, who believes he will protect and love me like nobody else could. but not enough to never fuck me raw.
my dad is on hinge. i'm gonna blow my brains out.
a box cutter probably couldn't slice through my skull
could a box cutter slice into my neck and bleed me out? if it was sharp enough. i would not have the strength to follow through if it was dull.
How dare someone ever reach into my flesh and feel disgust when they strike blood.
unfortunately, an open book's pages are prone to weathering.
sleep allegory
if you laid down together and decided to take a lovely
long
nap
pulled up the sheets together
counted sheep together
dreamt a dream of dining in two little seats together
how could either of you ever wake up?
Quote of the day:
"Protect me from what I want" - Jenny Holzer
Well.
I think I'll go over things chronologically here. Today is a Wednesday. On Monday, I went on an amazing hike with my boyfriend. it was very fun, very sweet. we sat in the sun. we got siiilllyyyy ;D
On that date, he told me something he heard last week: my ex still talks about me. In the moment, it didn't make me feel anything but an ego boost. But i couldn't stop thinking about it. my life has been filled with so much resentment, my emotions tied up in a knot for months. I hated him, I hated my friends that chose him, I hated. Not only that though; I have also been drowning in guilt. I can't stand being in the wrong, i can't stand having made mistakes. the feeling of being a bad person lodged itself in my throat and made a home there. I still cry, i still think, i still talk about everything that has happened that had to do with him. so on tuesday, i thought i'd take a chance and apologize... and he forgave me. 8~ months of not feeling like myself, with him tacked up on every wall of my mind, and he forgave me. without a second thought. we caught up for two hours; life, family, friends, even the divorce. i have never felt more free. i'm so happy i could cry. i'm so glad i realized this was how i needed to let go. what i needed to hear. i was shackled, dragging around a ball and chain. i begged time, i begged friends, i begged to be freed, blind to the key i grasped tightly in my hand. i don't know what will come of this; maybe everything will stay the same. only time will tell.
Quote of the day:
"I will see your body bare
And still I will live here
So stay with me
Hold my hand
There's no need
To be brave"
- Mitski, I Will
There are two wolves inside you and one of them is batshit crazy.
I don't want to be a bad person. I don't like that so much of me is learned from my parents; I don't want to love the way they do.
I think there might be layers of me that are not meant for me to tear open and explore. i peel at them and it huts. the pain festers. they bleed and scab. prying my flesh apart does not yield answers, only questions. but i feel as though i have no choice but to dig deeper. if not within me, where are my solutions? if my body oozes only metaphor, how might i find the unjumbled truth?
I wish morality and humanity was black and white. if only we were provided with rules by god. reasoning, truth. what to do, why to do. that way, anything i do wrong can be dissected and i can smooth out my mistakes. If someone wrongs me by god's rules, i can tear into them and their reputation with my teeth. i want to feel completely right and secure.
This post marks my first post uploaded only to neocities instead of blogger! all posts from this one forward will be made only on neocities, and I am kissin blogger goodbye.
I've been pretty good. my friend group is unergoing some transformations; some new additions kinda, and one person leaving. I feel bad for them and I hope they find good friends better suited for them - they didn't really mesh with the friend group.
my boy and i are doing well - we're very secure in our relationship and i luuuvuvvvvvvvv himmmmm :)
I used my good ol detective skills and found out my mom was househunting. she's found a place now and is moving in next week; my brothers and i will be swapping off from house to house, don't know the situation yet though. I'm glad my mom will be happy but it's bittersweet. I'm excited and all, but of course i wish this wasn't the case. The new house is close to one of my best friends and my boyfriend though.
Quote of the day: "Ro would like to be breezy, but she seems to swing between periods of dedicated, obsessive effort and slothlike, stubborn inertia.” ― Delilah S. Dawson, Bloom
So.
I had so much fun on my vacay!! texted my boyfriend the whole time lol. Our first month mark was yesterday and we went on a hike! He was being super sweet so i cried because he's so nice (can you tell i'm on my period). he was all overrr me and it was the most magical day ever. i loved sitting in the sun with him. ALSO. THE THINGS HE SAAAAIIIID?? that boy is a capital M Munch!!!!! I'm cummin just thinking about it. he said he looooves meeee :))))))
I feel terrible for my girl because she is going THROUGH IT this is her first real breakup and she's dying. I feel so bad, those two were literally my parents. her boyfriend is one of my best friends too; i'm glad they're on good terms at least?
Baiiiii
Quote of the day: "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." - Clementine Kruczynski, Eternal sunshine of the Spotless Mind
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. My man said some CRAZY shit today. He would prefer if i?? wasn't??? bisexual??? like oh mb! i'll stop! we talked about it though and we good for now. I should've held out for a girlfriend (jk).
Rain super super bad so I'll be home for 4 days :P
but fr though he needs to get his act together
- insulted my nails TWICE
- Stupid
- hater
bye
sorry for the lack of updates. I'm trying to build a new website and relocate my blog. That'll be a while in the making though, so i decided to keep uploading here. What's happened since my last post? I'm glad you asked! Here's everything in order:
lowk i was pissed about the thing with my parents but they haven't changed much yet. apparently they decided in june????? my dad started sleeping in our RV instead of the house though :/ at least they're staying friends?
i'm going to try to squash the beef with my ex best friend sometime soon. done ignoring her. i don't want to be her friend tho. just not hate her
i watched But I'm a Cheerleader. 8/10. also i'm watching boondocks
Quote today: "the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence”
Love u bye
I'm doing better. I have a new coworker! Two apparently, but I've only met one so far. He's super fun, I think he's a great fit. He gets shit dooooone too. Apparently this dude from my school works at the weed store across the street from my work, because I saw him behind the counter yesterday and we talked a bit lol. he sat behind me in chem for a semester. He's cute - also the weed store employee that I think is fineee was there! He's scrumdiddlyumptious. Anyway, I was buying edibles for me and my pals as we were having a sleepover that night. I had a lot of fun! Someone got a haircut, and i brought them all candy. they told me they had really nice highs and I'm so happy i did them right!! I love my friends sooo much. I wish i got weed for myself though. A whole 3 day weekend with no weed :( but i'll get some tmr idk what i'm complaining about.
I got a lot of homework done just now by listening to rain noises and putting a video of sea animals on my computer. i felt so motivated. who knew?
My classmate looks like Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhaal. He's cute and he dresses nice but he's a bit too clean and perf for me i think. My anatomy teacher is the best and gorgeous!!!!!!! We're eventually gonna dissect cats though.
No One Noticed by The Marias >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>!!!!!!!!
I'm so gay.
Quote today: "I'll love you 'till the day that I die!" - (I can't believe i'm saying this) Billie Eilish
I'm fucking depressed again this is sooo stupid. What am I even on prozac for if I still want to kill myself? I think it's because I stopped taking birth control so I'm on my period. also i'm breaking out
I finished Class of 09: The Re-up today! The secret video message freaked me out. and I made some Poison Ivy buttons for my backpack. I feel like doing literally nothing omfg. I haven't done my homework yet but I will later. I watched love island and went to walmart but otherwise i'm just rotting. I had a psl the other day though, i love fall.
I NEEEED TO BE INTOXICATED. I MISS EDIBLES I NEED ALCOHOL
Quote today: "I'd rather play dead at a necrophilia convention,"
I am so sick of fake ass bitches. FAKE ASS BITCHES. FAKE ASS BITCHESSSSSS.!!!!!!!! I'm SICK! OF! THEM! Where do they come from??? RAUUUGGHHHH. Girls don't want liars. Girls want takis, ben & jerry's, and girlfriends. FUUUUUCKK Y'ALL. (Not y'all. I mean liars.) I'm literally just a baby why don't we all just recognize that we are making mistakes and learning and communicate and do the right things. If that was the case I'd be so super forgiving, but these people keep making the same bitchass choices so I am not.
I looked through my old best friend's Spotify today. She stopped talking to me months ago, and instead she's friends with my ex. She said if I ever broke up with him she'd stick with me but here we are! It's all good though, I realized she's not all that anyway. She's a little crazy. Anyway, I looked at her playlists and she's sad. Not to be a bitch hater, but she started it, so whatever: DESERVED! FUCKING DESERVED! She's got a fat case of only child syndrome where she gets what she wants and emotionally abuses her boyfriend and cries every day. She'll be just like her horrible mother. So be fucking sad! Listen to Radiohead and Mitski and CRY. Because you know who you are, you know what you did, and you know you will never be a good, complete person. You will hurt people.
First week back in school after the summer. Now I have to see her and her boyfriend and my ex's friends. They KNOW. THEY KNOW HE HURT ME AND THEY CHOSE HIM! THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIM BEFORE ME! THEY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AND THEY STAY WITH HIM BECAUSE THEY ARE SELFISH. what is moral may not be what you want to do, but you should still do it. he'll survive without y'all. is he so much more important than my feelings?
I love Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy,
shoutout to real ones
Quote today: "You think you just fell out of a coconut tree? You exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you"
I love you. it's gonna be okay fr
Hello!!
I think my brother could look exactly like Rodrick Heffley... if he cared about his appearance. Like literally just add hair gel and guyliner.
Pretty girls don't owe people a personality. No one gets upset when ugly girls are dry! Let me be boring!!!!
My best friend posted a selfie with my ex today?? I have decided I will plant bombs in both of their stomachs.
A THIRD CLASS OF 09 GAME IS COMING???? AND I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED THE RE-UP!1!!!
I think I'm like Ramona Flowers, Alice from Twilight, and manic pixie dream girls in general. And every Bojack Horseman character.
I think summer made me gayer
I hate everyone pretty much
I need my parents to go back to normal. They've been awfully distant from each other for months now. I need my best friend to stop being flaky.
Quote today: “'Sometimes I don't get you,' I said. She didn't even glance at me. She just smiled toward the television and said, 'You never get me. That's the whole point.'” - Looking for Alaska
LOVE YOURSELF!!!
❤✬❀
I'm starting a blog because I have a lot of thoughts to share, but no other platform I'd like to share them on. No way am I using X or Threads; that's lame. I love pink, the internet, and girls :) I am lazy and my brain is rotted through, but at least I'm a real one.
FUCK LOVE ISLAND USA S6 CASA AMOR!
ALWAYS REMEMBER to eat down, take pride in your interests, and be your own beautiful self
I love poison ivy
brat summer isn't over and is in fact just getting started
I think I'm going to open an animal shelter when I grow up and I'm gonna put cute murals on the walls and it'll be like high-end but for animals and super humane
✩✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✮✭✩
Quote Today: "This is the skin of a killer, Bella.”
She/her US Girlkisser trying to figure herself out. A tier or two above loser scum on the social ladder - dare I say troubled teen poet? Solid 7 with zits. Cartoon enjoyer, gossip spreader, selective manhater. Horny, indecisive, and messy. I like games, reading, fashion, decorating, cartoons, smells, the sky, journaling, taking cute notes, and stuffed animals. My favorite movies are twilight, clueless, and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. My favorite musicians are Mitski, Faye Webster, and Lana Del Rey.